Weekend of sloth: a re-creation

smiling-sloth

I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, but if I’m in town for the long weekend, I’ll usually hang out with my parents and end up making dinner. My mom never makes dinner when I come over, but she always tells me there’s a lot of food in the fridge. And by “food” she means “ingredients.” Hint, hint.

I decided to boycott this situation by not going over there on Thursday, waiting instead for a day when restaurants are open. Still, I kind of expected them to, you know, invite me over at least.

Usually I spend a long weekend out of town or tackling some daunting projects I’ve been putting off for too long. This time, though, I had been too busy to plan ahead for the time off. That was the first step towards a weekend of profound laziness.

Thursday

9:00am: Wake up at a respectable hour. Drink coffee and watch my dog sleep until noon.

1:00pm: Laundry

1:30pm: Wonder why my parents haven’t called me to invite me over.

2:00pm: Friends marathon

5:00pm: Go for a jog (Healthy!)

6:00pm: Go to CVS immediately after my jog, pick up two Redbox movies, a bottle of champagne and a can of Pringles. (Not healthy!) The place is packed with well-dressed people obviously on their way to a party. Resist the urge to yell “There are people who love me!” at everyone who glances in my direction.

6:30pm: Clean my house

8:00pm: Make myself roasted acorn squash, mashed potatoes and green beans for dinner. Feel like a real person.

9:00pm: Neighbor/BFF Lauren comes over for champagne and movies. I also make the best Mexican hot chocolate ever.

12:00am: Once you open a bottle of champagne, you have to finish it.

Friday

10:00am – Noon: It’s all a blur

12:30pm: Online shopping

2:00pm: Friends marathon/Nap

5:00pm: Go to Target thinking I will finally stock up on things like socks if they are on sale.

5:15pm: Socks are not on sale. Socks are never on sale. Why would socks be on sale? Everyone needs socks. That would be like having a sale on toilet paper. Why is it so hard to find black tube socks?

5:30pm: Buy some socks, the Smitten Kitchen cookbook and a package of frozen mac and cheese.

6:00pm: Eat the mac and cheese

6:30pm: Why haven’t my parents called me?

7:00pm: Bake a half batch of chocolate chip cookies.

7:30pm: Cookies are amazing. Regret not making a full batch.

8:00pm: Another station is playing Friends marathons. Jackpot.

Saturday

8:00am: Try to wake up early. Phone freezes up when I hit snooze and the rooster alarm won’t stop crowing. Take the battery out. Nice try, phone.

10:00am: Actually get up

11:00am: Nap

12:00pm: Lunch

12:30pm: Nap

2:00pm: Go to Urban Outfitters.  A necklace I want is finally on sale, but only because it’s slightly broke. Buy it.

3:00pm: Browse at UMMA. There’s a really cool Jesper Just film on display right now.

4:30pm: Sandwich at Amer’s

6:00pm: Fix the necklace in a couple seconds. Experience an overwhelming feeling of victory over The Man. The Man here being the Urban Outfitters on State St.

6:30pm: Consider calling my parents. Don’t.

7:00pm: Make fritters out of leftover mashed potatoes and squash, finally perfecting my latke/fritter technique (less egg, more flour) after many, many failures. Take that, recipes!

8:00pm: Watch Octopussy. Some of the imagery in the opening credits is a little, shall we say, spot-on.

11:00pm – 2:00am: Contemplate my life choices and hopes for the future.

Sunday

9:00am: Why haven’t my parents called me? Do they not want me to come over?

10:00am: Not feeling well. Decide to take a sick day from… not much.

2:00pm: Go for a walk. Feel slightly better.

3:00pm: Get a sandwich at the cafe near my house. Realize that I only go there when I am dressed up for work or going out, or when I’m un-showered and in my sweats immediately after a jog. Wonder if the waitstaff thinks I’m two completely different people, or identical twins whose lives have taken them down very different paths.

4:00pm: Relent and call my parents. Dad asks me why I’m not feeling well. All I have to say is “women’s troubles” and he starts laughing nervously and hangs up, telling me he’ll have my mom call me when she gets home. Make a mental note for any future situations where I want to end a conversation with my Dad quickly.

5:30pm: Mom calls three times. She’s sick. Or “sick” – it’s hard to tell on the phone. But she gets kind of emotional when we decide to postpone plans for next weekend, so maybe it’s legit.

6:00pm: Grocery shopping with wet hair and no make-up, so naturally I run into someone I know.

7:00pm: Snacks.

8:00pm: Make myself a whiskey sour and wait for Liz & Dick to start. It’s going to be so terrible!

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