5 Ways to Pretend it’s Summer

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We can’t ALL escape to the tropics when winter becomes unbearable, so here are some ideas for recreating the summer experience when you’re stranded at home in the Siberia that is February.

1. Set up an Out of Office email You have to be at work, but that doesn’t mean everyone else needs to know. You’re going to cut down on a lot of meaningless busywork by telling all your business contacts that you’re unavailable until March 31st camping on an island with no internet service or cell reception. Also, keep coming up with reasons to email that one guy in the office who still hasn’t turned off his OOO since his last vacation so you can get caught up in an OOO echo chamber that’s as reminiscent of summer as the smell of sunscreen.

2. Turn up the heat Transport yourself to a mid-August afternoon by cranking up the heat in your home to 105 degrees. Once you’ve acclimated to the temperature change, boil a large pot of water on the stove to approximate the sweltering humidity of your favorite warm-weather vacation destination. After a couple hours you’ll be ready to strip down to your underwear swimsuit and sunbathe under a floor lamp.

3. Sprinkle some sand in your bed You probably have a bag of sand in your trunk for getting your car out of ice pits. Experience the beach vacation you’re missing out on by sprinkling some of it between your sheets, in your shoes, in  your food, or any other place where the presence of sand would be as unexpected as it is rage-inducing.

4. Hang out at the gym When you’re at the gym it’s just as impossible to escape the smell of other people’s sweat as it is on a hot summer day. You’ll also feel as much body shame as you would sitting on the beach wrapped in a towel while fit people cavort in bikinis all around you.

5. Eat hotdogs until you vomit No one brings Fettuccine Alfredo to a summer cookout. What better way to revisit summer festivities than to stuff your face with hotdogs and hamburgers until you’re sweating grease? No one brings vegetables to a cookout either, so if you’re a vegetarian, just gorge yourself on potato chips and margaritas until you pass out on the kitchen floor.

It’ll be like winter never happened!

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